10:00 PM

Husband Ed accidentally severed a couple fingers off his left hand and there’s no way he’s going to the ER so please let’s not even go down that road, Tanya Chandra posts. 

Ed once worked for the hospitals and saw things he wasn’t meant to see. The lawyer would tell me to stop right there, Tanya Chandra replies.

We understand this is the sort of inner-ring subdivision where private-leaning residents help each other live their best lives regardless of what those lives look like. We’re hoping to do most of this at home. If you hear me we’re at 5761 Pinecrest just in case, Tanya Chandra replies. 

Sorry won’t be able to let anyone in the house anytime soon because the windows and doors all tripwire once the alarm activates. I set the alarm off by accident and Ed’s not his usual self so it’ll take a minute to remember the deactivation code, Tanya Chandra replies. 

We’re new to life outside the city so apologies in advance if I’m inappropriate or offensive. Ohboy my hands are shaking. Ed insists I remind you it’s his decision to reject the alien-medical-military industrial complex. That’s what he’s thinking about right now the alien-medical-military industrial complex, Tanya Chandra replies.

Ed says if the darkweb is 100 percent secure then this site is 125 percent secure. He says you crowdsourced how he could humanely trap and kill and dispose of the coyote that’s been killing all those little dogs in a one-mile radius up and down Pinecrest from Lakeshore to Idlewood. All he had to do was speak honestly and ask respectfully so I hope I’m speaking honestly and asking respectfully, Tanya Chandra replies. 

Someone who wishes to remain anonymous walked Ed through baiting that coyote into a padded trap with a tranquilizer-laced sirloin steak. When the cocktail kicked in and the beast’s breathing slowed to a low murmur Ed dragged it out by the scruff of its neck and snapped the head back with a cattle prod, Tanya Chandra replies. 

The next day someone else who wishes to remain anonymous briefs Ed in backyard burial best practices. By now we’ve disposed of five potential serial-killer beasts so imagine all the puppies Ed’s saved! Technically that violates subdivision bylaw kill limits but another anonymous someone showed Ed how to jerry-rig dumpsites in those abandoned properties across the highway on the city side of the border, Tanya Chandra replies.

We like it here. We like the Wildlife Into All-Life exhibit at the gallery. We like that most of this history has been re-homed to private collections in humane ways for the sake of all-life. And we love that no one at Friendly’s Hardware looks at us the wrong way when we hit up the Garden Center aisles for heavy-duty shovels and two shopping carts filled with lime and a bunch of stuff to make quicklime with. You know, for the smell, Tanya Chandra replies.

Anyways Ed traveled the Great Plains with a punk-rock band called Groovy back in the late nineties and he’s got impressive outsider knowledge so when Ed said Stop freaking out and listen while his hand dripped blood like syrup I listened more carefully than usual. Gave him a tranquilizer shot and cleaned the bleeding with the sterile saline solution he stores in the cooler in the basement and a cup of vodka from the cheap-vodka shelf in the pantry, Tanya Chandra replies. 

Made two splints with TJ Maxx gift cards and packaging tape. Wrapped everything up nice around his bloody finger-stumps with the moist gauze we keep under the sink. Then Ed passes out from what I’m guessing is blood loss but luckily he’s still breathing. Won’t lie felt like I was losing blood there too. Anyone else hear this crazy wind it’s rattling our front door, Tanya Chandra replies. 

Disarmed the tripwire code which ended up being my birthday which I should’ve known seeing as how Ed’s such a romantic. Now we’re seeing some seepage because Ed sometimes doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He’s going in and out of some sort of coma so I got him into an office chair and wheeled that chair into the kitchen right up to the fridge. Filled a freezer bag with ice and ice packs and frozen burritos and put Ed’s hand in the bag and the bag in the fridge which is half open now because Ed’s still attached to his hand. He’s going to need blood one way or another isn’t he so does anyone know where we can score some B-positive, Tanya Chandra replies.

10:30 PM
Ed’s head keeps drifting back and forth and left and right so I called our dog vet. She usually calls back within the hour. Guess I didn’t think of her sooner because it’s been a minute since we talked. Coyote got our puppies last month. Snatched them right out of the very yard they’d happily played in just the day before. We miss our babies! Tanya Chandra replies.

We bought this house sight unseen because we had to quit Pennsylvania. I’d have to run any explanation of that last sentence by the lawyer so thank you for understanding when I don’t explain. The realtor told us on the virtual tour to expect some leftover wildlife in the subdivision but we assumed that meant deer and raccoons and mice. Now I’m having history lessons which is what the life coach calls flashbacks, Tanya Chandra replies. 

What happened earlier, Ed’s trimming the backyard dogwoods with his shiny new gas-powered chainsaw near where our pups were snatched when this coyote frothing at the mouth sneaks out the hydrangeas and into Ed’s personal space via his blindspot. By the time Ed notices, the filthy beast’s looking up at him and yawning, Tanya Chandra replies. 

Ed fears for his life on account of his recent history with coyotes and powers up the chainsaw but just as he’s about to bring it down and slice through that filthy throat the beast stands up on its backlegs and bats a frontpaw at Ed like a kangaroo. The paw grows till it doubles and flashes by Ed’s eyes and next second it feels to Ed like the coyote’s giant paw releases some sort of mulchdust that blinds him momentarily and spins him into a fugue state, Tanya Chandra replies. 

Long story short Ed’s frozen in time looking at himself in the past where he’s smashing a coyote in the head with a cattle prod while in the present the chainsaw slips and by the time Ed reacts the coyote’s off into the dogwoods with two of Ed’s chainsaw-severed fingers. I’m serious the coyote has the fingers so the fingers are gone and now there’s two bloody mangled bandaged stumps and I’m not sure if they’re about to bleed more or if they’re about to bleed less. Speaking of Ed he keeps slipping in and out of consciousness while saying “What sharp teeth you have, what sharp teeth you have, what sharp teeth you have,” Tanya Chandra replies. 

11:00 PM
Slowly carefully unwrap the bandages and clean the wound with ice then cauterize it with superhigh heat or drive Ed to the nearest hospital, Max Lafitte replies. Sorry just got off work and saw this. It’s good you’re icing the wound but you don’t want it to freeze and you do want to use a frozen freezer pack to clean it. Wait till you’re sure his hand isn’t frozen then clean with the freezer pack and proceed directly with cauterization. Got kicked out of med school for substance abuse full disclosure. We really do need to cauterize regardless. Best if that’s done at the nearest hospital which is the clinic out by Macy’s near the highway exit, Max Lafitte replies.

Thank you so much Max Lafitte this is all so helpful but hospitals aren’t an option as long as we can keep Ed alive which I have no choice but to believe in right now, Tanya Chandra replies. I understand completely. I grew up in the city, Max Lafitte replies. 

Husband Ed sounds like such a lovely man even though he’s a serial-killer of coyotes, Natasha Katz replies. That’s not the issue here, Jenny Boris replies. Tanya Chandra is posting about her husband Ed who is in critical condition and furthermore newly missing fingers that are unlikely to be reattached so perspective please, Dr. Harmony Waugh (PhD, not doctor of medicine) replies. Long bumpy drive from Pinecrest to the highway exit, Sister Esmerelda replies. 

Any chance Husband Ed was bitten by that rabid coyote? Max Lafitte replies. Always look on the bright side of life, Natasha Katz replies. Ed swears he was only bit by his own chainsaw, Tanya Chandra replies. Had to slap him out of a coma and luckily he stayed awake just long enough to answer. Asked Ed was it chainsaw or chainsaw plus coyote and he goes “Just chainsaw.” But the last thing he says before slipping back into his coma is “I think,” Tanya Chandra replies. 

If it’s chainsaw plus coyote you might have to amputate, Sister Esmerelda replies.
Best way to cauterize at home? Tanya Chandra replies. 
You own an outdoor grill? Max Lafitte replies. 

I swear I saw that coyote foaming at the mouth with Ed’s bloody fingers between its teeth. I’m in the kitchen doing dishes and glancing out the window from time to time to see Ed hacking away at the dogwoods with his shiny new chainsaw when a thundercloud fills the sky and this coyote steps out of the underbrush and suddenly I’m frozen in time. Next I’m snapping out of it and the coyote’s staring back at me through the kitchen window. Beast’s jumped up on the trashcan and its front paws are tapping at the windowsill. One of them looks significantly larger than the other. There’s a little mist around its long face or maybe that’s just its foggy breath but looks like it’s smoking the bloody fingers like cigars. I swear it’s grinning big before it drops down and disappears back into the hydrangeas by the dogwoods. Anyway anyway anyway. Best way to cauterize at home? Tanya Chandra replies.

You own an outdoor grill? Max Lafitte replies. 
Yes but my hands are still shaking, Tanya Chandra replies.

11:30 PM
Fire up the outdoor grill put on the lid and walk away for ten minutes, Max Lafitte replies. Find painkillers for Husband Ed and a shot or two of whatever you got handy for yourself. Take three deep breaths and exhale slowly till you feel your body unclench, Max Lafitte replies. Now take the remaining fingers on Ed’s left hand and curl them into his palm like he’s making a fist. Odds are if you set his fingers into that position he won’t unclench them after you let go that’s just how the body works sometimes, Max Lafitte replies.

Forgive me but have you put Ed’s severed hand in the freezer just in case? Fanny McCullen replies. It’s two severed fingers not the whole hand and the coyote has the fingers, Tanya Chandra replies. Just forget about everything and take those three deep breaths, Max Lafitte replies. I think the new guy on Colony Lane with the out-of-state Kia’s been stealing my Impossibly Beyond Fresh deliveries. Oh no ma’am I’m so sorry I didn’t read your post before I replied, Grayson Bravo replies. 

I fired up the grill and went back to the medicine cabinet and took a whole edible instead of a quarter then came back out to check on the grill to find that Husband Ed forgot to refill the propane so there’s no working grill, Tanya Chandra replies. 

Take three deep breaths till we figure this shit out, Max Lafitte replies. Language, Sister Esmerelda replies. Got a blowtorch up in the attic used to belong to my gramps, Frankie Hicks replies. We’ve been looking at prosthetics on Amazon whenever Ed opens his eyes. His hand hurts so much he’s whimpering, Tanya Chandra replies. 

I’ll start a pleasehelpme for you really I’d do just about anything to help feeling terrible about my earlier reply, Grayson Bravo replies. That crazy wind’s making it sound like someone’s at the door. Like they’re not knocking or ringing the doorbell they’re just sort of headbutting the door? Tanya Chandra replies.

We’ll do this in the kitchen Tanya Chandra please move Husband Ed and yourself there, Max Lafitte replies. Then make sure you both got chairs to sit on. Find something like a kitchen towel for Ed to bite down at, Max Lafitte replies. Happy to drop that blowtorch off can be there in fifteen, Frankie Hicks replies. Please let’s stay on point, Max Lafitte replies. Point, Tanya Chandra replies. Moving onto the next step, Max Lafitte replies.

Please move quickly to the oven and turn on all the lights you can reach, Max Lafitte replies. Then place an unlined baking sheet on the center rack and set the oven as high as it goes. Then slowly carefully undo the bandages on the splint and inspect the wound. Use the flashlight on your iPhone if the lighting is dim. Focus on areas that are actively bleeding or look like really rare steak where one prick of the fork and blood oozes out, Max Lafitte replies. 

It’s bleeding but the blood looks frozen, Tanya Chandra replies. Wind’s still headbutting the front door. Funny sounds closer to the ground like it’s an animal or child knocking. Before I forget does anyone know where we can score some B-positive blood? Tanya Chandra replies.

Let’s just focus on Husband Ed, Max Lafitte replies. I’d ask that question about blood three blocks southeast of Uptown Hospital campus district, Benny Salmon replies. If the surface area that is bleeding is large try to stop the bleeding gently with a bath towel, Max Lafitte replies. Then use oven mitts and open the oven and pull out the center rack. Place small medium and large metallic utensils like spoons and serving spoons butterknives spatulas etc. on the hot unlined baking sheet, Max Lafitte replies. Get em as hot as possible, Grayson Bravo replies. I’d broil, Dr. Harmony Waugh (PhD, not a doctor of medicine) replies. Keep those oven mitts on push the rack with the baking sheet and utensils back in and close the oven door, Max Lafitte replies. 

His hand might be frozen, Tanya Chandra replies. Still got gramps’ blowtorch but my shift starts at three so will put it out by the garage at 2701 Overlook, Frankie Hicks replies. Place a winter jacket over Ed’s wounded hand and keep a candle by the jacket as close to the wound as possible till it heats up and the hand starts to thaw and then it’s straight for the hot utensils in the oven, Max Lafitte replies. The headbutting stopped as soon as I opened the door, Tanya Chandra replies. I’ll drive right over to pick that blowtorch up Frankie Hicks, Grayson Bravo replies. 

MIDNIGHT
Take the baking sheet out of the oven and find the utensil you think would inflict the least collateral damage. Make sure to wear an oven mitt on the hand you’re cauterizing him with and leave the other hand free so you can restrain as needed. Make sure the utensil you use is screaming hot and can easily press down on the surface of the wound. Then press the hot metal utensil to the severed surfaces of both fingers in one-to-two-second bursts, Max Lafitte replies. 

Careful not to kill any healthy tissue, Dr. Harmony Waugh (PhD, not a doctor of medicine) replies. Oven mitt screaming hot utensil one to two second bursts. Oven mitt screaming hot utensil one to two second bursts, Max Lafitte replies. 

One to two second bursts, Max Lafitte replies. You need me to come over and help you out ma’am, Grayson Bravo replies. Use oven mitts, Max Lafitte replies. I can afford to take a little time off from looking for work so happy to help, Grayson Bravo replies. Press to the surface of the wound in one-to-two-second bursts, Max Lafitte replies. Good luck! Dr. Harmony Waugh (PhD, not a doctor of medicine) replies. 

Unwrapped Ed’s bandages and held his right hand and cauterized his two bloody finger-stumps with the handle end of the outdoor grilling spatula, Tanya Chandra replies. We made porkchops with that spatula last month. That smell why didn’t you tell me about that smell. You know like bbq rub and charred fat. I’m so glad Ed’s not awake enough to smell his hand. He’s terrified of being auctioned off to an alien race as human cattle. I mean grade-A certified terror on account of what he saw midnight shift at three different morgues in three different states. California, Florida, Pennsylvania. If Ed woke up in a hospital bed he’d hurt himself or someone else. Hang on I’m talking to an unlicensed veterinary medical associate looks like we’re getting a new more experienced vet coming over from Beachwood Falls, Tanya Chandra replies. 

She’s right wind’s crazy tonight, Natasha Katz replies. Tanya Chandra you have a really nice house and in case you have cameras that’s me walking up the driveway to your front porch to drop Frankie’s blowtorch right off at your front door which by the way could use some work that I’m happy to do can fix those scratched-up panels up real smooth and easy, Grayson Bravo replies. You must have one big dog judging by those grooves. I’ll be in my car parked right across the street just in case you need any assistance. Just ask, Grayson Bravo replies. 

We don’t have puppies anymore Grayson Bravo but thank you for your concern and no worries Ed’s still breathing and the vet’s on her way. Sometime after this is all over we’ll throw a party and you’re all invited, Tanya Chandra replies. Then that’s me you see driving away with a clear conscience, Grayson Bravo replies.

12:30 AM
Hand still smells like charred ribs and vinegar. That smell’s giving me some thoughts. Smells like mulchdust? Bleeding’s stopped oozing out the bandages so there’s that. Ed looks like Jerry Lewis with his tongue hanging out but he’s still breathing. The edible’s really settling into a groove here. Talked to the vet. Got heavy-duty meds lined up. She’s only trained for emergencies like this on animals but that’s good enough for me. She’ll stitch Ed up best she can. It’s going to be okay, Tanya Chandra replies. 

I’m lying it’s not going to be okay. Ed’s got a pool of saliva pooled up by his lips looks like waves frothing around his mouth. The fingers on his right hand are playing an invisible piano and they’re puffy like cigars and I swear I can hear the sweet smoky sound that they make. His face looks peaceful but his body’s convulsing a little. It’s okay though. He’s still breathing. The blood around his bandages looks more dark brown than red it’s like a milk-chocolate raspberry swirl but he’s still breathing, Tanya Chandra replies.

Wind’s started up again. Only this time it’s headbutting the door five times while stopping for maybe five seconds in between. Then it starts up again. Ed’s hand is purpling and the raspberry swirl is turning blueberry and now Ed’s body is still but his head’s chanting real low and it sounds like he’s in tune with the headbutting and when I put my ear up to his mouth I hear him say “Let them in let them in let them in,” Tanya Chandra replies.

1:00 AM
Ed’s convulsing and blood’s coming out of his lips. That’s new. Ed once said Hey babe you ever see me convulsing with blood coming out my mouth you go right down to the basement and grab a tranquilizer plunger from the cigarbox on the bottom shelf of the built-ins under the stairs. Then grab an ivermectin-plus syringe from the pickling jar on the middle shelf. Finally grab an alcohol prep pad from the ohm-bowl on the top shelf. Then come back up and track me down and plunge that tranquilizer into the nearest available buttock and pull down my pants and alcohol-prep my penis and shoot it up with ivermectin-plus. Maybe stimulate the genitals first so there’s a greater surface area to work with. That’s what Ed said, Tanya Chandra replies.

So I did what he said but skipped a few parts like the tranquilizer plunger and alcohol prep. Shot him up with ivermectin-plus all by its very lonesome, Tanya Chandra replies. His penis was shriveled so I jabbed him in the nearest buttock. The purpler Ed’s hand gets the happier Ed looks, Tanya Chandra replies. He’s breathing just fine last I checked which was halfway through this sentence, Tanya Chandra replies.

Do you know if your vet is legally obligated to contact the authorities? If so you should prepare for visitors, Sister Esmerelda replies. She’s not technically qualified to be a vet if I’m being honest, Tanya Chandra replies. She’s guru-schooled and a natural with animals and painkillers and needles and scalpels. Did you mean our original vet or the vet who’s on her way over right now with drugs and near-hospital-grade first aid equipment? Tanya Chandra replies.

In case you’re wondering Ed just started working security for a certain circuit-court Judge and as some of you might know everyone who works for the Judge gets free veterinarian care and benefits from the uncertified vets in the area as long as the judge stays elected. Vote Judge! Oh Ed’s eyes haven’t opened yet but his body seems to be convulsing and he’s barking like a dog, Tanya Chandra replies.

Don’t take this the wrong way but are you for real, Sister Esmerelda replies. I’m about as real as it gets with the vet fifteen minutes away and Husband Ed about to wake up thinking he’s human or thinking he’s a dog and either way he’s likely crying out in agony, Tanya Chandra replies. I mean if there’s an infection and something needs amputated there are places that deal with that sort of thing, Sister Esmerelda replies. I’m saying he’s in his happy coma for ninety seconds then his body convulses and his head rolls back and he barks like a dog without opening his eyes and then his head slowly droops and he’s back to his happy coma for another ninety, Tanya Chandra replies. 

1066 Scarborough third house from the speed bump after the Overlook intersection if you drive south down Woodbridge like you should from Pinecrest, Sister Esmerelda replies. I can clean and disinfect the wound and dope him up good and he can stay overnight in the infirmary in the basement. If his condition worsens we have the equipment to operate. We use the same equipment the Clinic does in the city. Only our services are free because we’re funded by the Foundation on the downlow. Would’ve told you sooner but I’m prohibited from doing so until a procedure feels equally as likely as it does unlikely. We’re there now is what I mean. We usually don’t get more than five maybe six inpatients a year and fully funded like I said previously including the incidentals and gratuities. We take good care of you regardless of who you are or what you can afford, Sister Esmerelda replies. All we ask is that you sign an NDA and we get to keep what’s left of the hand, Sister Esmerelda replies.

Ed’s knuckles are deep purple but his remaining fingers are active and twitching, Tanya Chandra replies. Would you consider bleach enemas, Dr. Harmony Waugh (PhD, not doctor of medicine) replies. Perhaps this is a regular-hospital-type-hospital situation no offense to Sister Esmerelda’s chopshop, Delilah Shivers replies. You could’ve spoke up sooner Delilah Shivers, Benny Salmon replies. It’s not really a bleach enema it’s more of a thirty-five percent sodium chlorite solution but it’s called a bleach enema because when you mix sodium chlorite with citric acid you get chlorine dioxide aka industrial-strength bleach, Dr. Harmony Waugh (PhD, not doctor of medicine) replies. It speeds up the process by helping the body heal the body, Dr. Harmony Waugh (PhD, not doctor of medicine) replies.

You think I wasted my life Max Lafitte, Tanya Chandra replies. Coulda driven Ed to the ER. Roll the dice and hope to beat the house one last time, Tanya Chandra replies. But I promised him and I’m a woman of my word and Ed well he’d rather die than end up as one of the featured proteins at an alien barbecue and who are we to judge the people we love, Tanya Chandra replies.

Don’t worry about the expense. Sister Esmerelda’s is free, Sister Esmerelda replies. 

Nothing is free, Natasha Katz replies. 

The deep purple has softened to a midnight blue. And Ed’s smiling again. It’s important he wakes up in our bed. He smiles like that when he wakes up in our bed that’s how I know. I don’t know amputation and I don’t know bleach but I do know the vet’s on her way. Every now and then Ed moans and his eyes kinda roll my way but when I meet their stare I feel like I’m looking into a great big center of lovable nothingness, Tanya Chandra replies. 

At least he’s smiling, Tanya Chandra replies.

We can only help Ed if he’s breathing, Sister Esmerelda replies. I’m still certified to drive a medical van, Max Lafitte replies. In fact I’m in a repurposed one right now. I can be there in fifteen and drive you wherever you need to go within subdivision limits, Max Lafitte replies. 

1:30 AM
Thanks for the offers Sister Esmerelda and Max Lafitte but I think it’s best we move Ed as little as possible. Besides the old unlicensed vet side-hustles as a taxidermist and she’s an artist with the needle. When we discovered the partially-eaten corpse of our puppy Ludo in the dogwoods she nearly brought him back stitch by stitch. The smell’s a little gamy so we keep Ludo in the shed out back but the needlework is impeccable. And the old vet says this new vet taught her how to stitch flesh and mend bone so would it be okay to keep you as the backup plans Sister Esmerelda and Max Lafitte, Tanya Chandra replies. 

Ed’s eyes are open but they’re also pure light. Correction his eyes are closed that was just the kitchen lights reflecting off his glasses. Ed’s still in its normal smiling coma. Where’s that vet, Tanya Chandra replies. Someone’s headbutting the front door again. Got scared for a second there thought I heard Ed snarl but he’s just snoring. His five-o’clock shadow’s become midnight shadow and I never noticed his hairy knuckles till now. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t move. If I don’t answer the door will I have wasted my life, Tanya Chandra replies.

If you’re responsible for the deaths of the five coyotes who are members of species indigenous to this region then no you have not wasted your life you have instead contributed to the successful colonization of this subdivision at the expense of the rest of the planet. Congrats, Natasha Katz replies. Lectures belong in the classroom professor, Delilah Shivers replies.

Went ahead and answered the door and there’s no one outside maybe some moving shadows and it’s still real windy and maybe the doggie door has a loose screw from when we tried to uninstall it but couldn’t due to sentimental reasons, Tanya Chandra replies. 

Hang on, Tanya Chandra replies. Looks like that Grayson Bravo never left. His car’s still parked across the street. Should I take a weapon like a kitchen knife when I go look out the living room window? There’s a corkscrew sitting right next to me. Okay going now found the machete taped under the kitchen island because of course there’s a machete taped under the kitchen island because of course Ed thinks of everything, Tanya Chandra replies. 

There’s no one parked across the street my bad but oh do I love the screeching-scratching sound this machete makes when I drag it lightly across the kitchen window, Tanya Chandra replies. There’s this smell in the air that I can’t describe until it lifts me up and then I know it’s what dead things smell like. I’m hovering an inch or so above the ground and Ed’s smiling more than usual when I look down at him from up over here, Tanya Chandra replies. 

Ed’s stopped moaning now that I’m hovering next to him by the kitchen island. His hand’s still midnight blue and maybe his lips are too but when I float over to him I can feel his heart and I can feel his breath. When the vet gets here we’ll patch Ed back up best we can and he’ll get his antibiotic jabs and his painkillers and his stitches and his compresses and his TLC and when he wakes up we’ll go to Walmart to look at prosthetic fingers. So sorry Grayson Bravo if you’re reading this didn’t mean to be suspicious earlier, Tanya Chandra replies.

I got to get this van back to my buddy in an hour, Max Lafitte replies. Sorry dude I think she stopped listening a while back, Benny Salmon replies. You gave it your best shot Max Lafitte, Sister Esmerelda replies. Now that we’re just letting it rip I blame whoever helped these two idiots kill five coyotes instead of helping them put up a gated electrical perimeter fence, Jenny Boris replies. I don’t disagree so let’s be in touch later to launch the investigation but maybe just not right now, Delilah Shivers replies. I mean does no one read the bylaws anymore, Jenny Boris replies. Oh no worries so glad I could help Tanya Chandra, Grayson Bravo replies.

The smell’s back and so’s the hovering. Feels like I’m hovering from one corner of the house to the next while making pitstops at the kitchen island to check in on Ed’s breathing which is I don’t know maybe a little worse now but it’s so hard to tell because I’m hovering six inches off the ground and nothing sounds the way it used to, Tanya Chandra replies.

Don’t know about any of you but I’ll go over there Sunday and clean up as much of the mess as I can, Benny Salmon replies. Much as I hate to agree with Benny Salmon that’s just as it says in the civic engagement clause of the secret bylaws and remember you can rent out hazmat suits from the community center, JC Deer replies. 

I’m sorry Tanya Chandra peace out may you continue to live with dignity, Max Lafitte replies. These things happen when things don’t work out best to just move on and screen the next ones better, JC Deer replies. I can unofficially confirm that the secret committee agrees with this assessment, Judge Connie Mather replies. I can also state off-the-record that just like the rest of us with once-unfenced yards the Chandras were given sixty days from their move-in date to install a gated electrical perimeter fence. They received the standard welcome care package that included updated estimates from local contractors for anything from personal shopping assistance to professional gated electrical perimeter fence installation. The Chandras responded by leaving their puppies out unsupervised on unfenced property which is expressly forbidden in both public and secret bylaws. Tragic but inevitable, Judge Connie Mather replies. 

I’m parked a block away now. Clocked four coyotes skulking around the hedges by the sidewalk when I walked up the Chandra driveway. The fifth coyote’s hiding in the shadows by the front porch, Grayson Bravo replies. They see me get out of the car and go up and down the steps and get back in the car and those damn coyotes don’t so much as blink they’re so focused on whatever’s going on inside the house. That big one looked like it was smoking a cigar. Shame we couldn’t do more to help that Tanya Ed couple, Grayson Bravo replies. No shame in respecting other peoples’ boundaries, Sister Esmerelda replies. Should I stay to warn the veterinarian, Grayson Bravo replies. Oh I don’t think the vet’s in any rush to get there, Judge Connie Mather replies. Talk to you next time then, Sister Esmerelda replies. 

I’m so sleepy is this what mulchdust is like? It’s so hot in this house. I’m floating around touching the ceiling like I always wanted to when I was a little girl. I wanted to live in a house as big as a barn with a skylight on the ceiling. Someone’s on the creaky front porch gotta be the vet those floorboards are creaking in such a professional manner. Vet’s got such a light but scratchy step. Now the vet’s headbutting the door. It’s either the vet or the doggie door or the wind what a crazy night I’m still floating. Machete feels so light in my hand. Now the vet’s rattling the doorknob like she knows it’s an emergency which she does in fact know. Ed’s skin is so much brighter than I remember and his eyes are yellow like gold. He’s sniffing the air like he knows she’s outside. Better float on over and let her in. I’ll be right back, Tanya Chandra replies. ■

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